"the only thing cooler than new boobs is an iphone. and she probably has one"

"i mean its a great conversational piece if i actually cared to have a conversation with you"

"if my husband ever cheats on me will you promise to tell me?"
"sure unless hes cheating on you with me"

"glad you got yourself a personality. it was rough for a few years"

"you need a really cool job like quiznos or something"

"i saw jacob and his baby today"
"oh yeah? how are they?"
"um i dont know...i meant i saw them on facebook"

"why are you speeding? do you want a ticket?"
"im trying to beat santa to my house"

"tell me something that will cheer me up"
"black ops"

"happy birthday"
"thank you"
"common courtesy"

"on my way home and just passed a sign that said baby head cemetery"
"super weird"
"yeah i can usually use the heads..."

"yeah we dont call them old and washed up we call them senior citizens"

"did you see the hott new garbage man?"
"yes mom"

"we get it. youre cooler than anyone without an iphone"
"that is correct"

"ive been throwing up for the past 2 hours but on the bright side i have black ops"

"the movie im watching started out with a scene of a womens rights rally. i found it under the romance section but now i think its a comedy..."

"today in class i was getting my highest record in the facebook snake game. class ended but i just sat in my seat and kept playing. new class came in. finished about halfway through. didnt wanna get up cause i thought it might be rude so i just learned about child development"

"lately I've been making up my own curse words primarily because if no one actually realizes you're swearing at them they're less likely to punch you in the face"

"you only watch crime shows!"
"guilty as charged"

"hows your morning been?"
"oh just great. failed a quiz and my truck got in the parking lot"
"you win some you lose some"

"thats something college kids and 4 year olds have in common. they can wear their pajamas in public and its semi-okay"

"i wish you could see this guy behind me in class"
"is 'casual pretend to text but really take a picture of their embarrassing behavior' an option?"

"yeah thats the store i bought my santa hat at. for 15 bucks"
"was it worth it?"
"um no cause i couldnt afford to eat for like 3 days after that"

"all ive eaten today is a bag of chips and 6 blue bell popsicles. how is that impressive?"

"looked at your old pictures. boy you were fat"
"thats what happens when youre on house arrest"

"im a girl but i dont carry a purse"
"why not?! society says you can!"

"next class lets pretend to have drama. like were fighting or something"

"um i dont know about you but im in college"

"i am so bored in class right now that i just wrote out the numbers 1 to 1000"

"pathetic"

"gangsters dont fish"

"i deleted my facebook"
"you will be greatly missed by the online word (unless youre still using your myspace)"

"cut me inside out and strike me with the hammor of Thor"
"um this is literally the first time in my life that i dont know how to properly respond to a text"

"would it be rude for me to comment on someones album "youre ugly and always will be, whore" "

"just passed this hill id totally love to bomb"

"um excuse me?"

"oh...its a longboard term, i swear im not a terrorist"

"a farmville photo album is an automatic red flag. no matter how hott he is in his default"

"your parents let you drive all the way back to lubbock alone with a guy?"
"the likelihood of me getting raped is far less than the likelihood of me getting in a car wreck and dying if a woman was driving"

"everything i needed to know growing up i learned from degrassi"

"where are you going shopping for black friday?"
"i cant reveal my flawless route"

"just convinced my little cousin we had a dog so shed keep herself busy looking for it"

"had you been born in the right time period they would have burned you in salem"

"i got my idea from wal-mart, which a genius of american marketplace"

"hey i drove by your house today. what are they building down the street?"
"um idk something stupid i think like a medical research center. i was hoping itd be a 7-11"

"i love him. he has the softest ears."

"when he hugged me my heart grew wings and fluttered away"

"myspace reformatted. my profile looks like trash now."

"is that like asking to be raped? i mean...i dont mind"

"im writing a paper but im so add that i got on webmd to look up symptoms of add. tell me this isnt a problem and then get me some adderall"

"i wish i had time to just sit in the computer lab and play farmville...wait no i dont. i have a life."

"guy in my math class just told me a dice has nine sides. welcome to a&m"

"an accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. it is a gift from god"

"its fine if he ignores me all day, that just gives me more time to spend with God"

"wow learn to read. just kidding, thats unnecessary. ill just read out loud to you for the rest of your life"

"went to the ranch this weekend. hunting. super white trash"

"when people make me or expect me to tuck in my shirt I immediately put them on my enemies i must love list"

"shes so weird. theres nothing about her that doesnt kinda freak me out."

"gah its cold today. lubbock, the windy city"
"um thats philadelphia"
"youre an idiot. its chicago"

"the math hall smells terrible. i swear its the womens bathroom. you girls are sick"

"what if we studied everyday after class instead of cramming the day before the test?"
"uh are you on crack?"

"just danced to a remix of g6 and hide your kids hide your wife. it was a good mesh"

"the lower your standards the more joy youll experience"

"satan has many effects on the world. but ulcers are his most direct way"

"i stalked all 457 of his tagged photos. any judgements?"

"like my cross tattoos?"
"yeah...couldve gotten a necklace"

"one tree hill does not suck! how many episodes have you seen?"
"thats irrelevant. how many times have you learned about the holocaust? doesnt matter. still sucks"

"im pretty sure the car next to me at this light is listening to the glee soundtrack"
"what poor pathetic people"

"god bless halloween. ill have facebook pictures to creep for at least a week"

"i hate watching the early episodes of dragon ball z"
"just the early episodes?"
"yeah, the animation is terrible"

"i have effbeeitus. its where you sit on facebook and stare at the computer screen so long you become sick. side effects include nausea and a headache"

"you think kids are making out in the woods even though its a church retreat?"
"um have you ever been to one of these? what else is there to do? plus...youve seen the girls that come to these things"

"some kid just said i was a jonas brother wanna-be!"
"certainly not, you have a mustache"

"did you just call me a slut?"
"yeah um sorry"
"dont be. its completely accurate."

"i hate when you wanna comment on someones status but you notice its from like january because youve pressed the older posts button so many times"

"we are going to stand in the quad handing out sandwiches to passing men. if they thank us we will ignore them. if they backhand us and tell us to get back in the kitchen then we will date them."

"just came across the cutest guy on facebook. ------, go stalk"
"hes barely cute! he's 'do-able' after 8 shots"

"i had a beautiful beta in this huge glass vase when i was in 8th grade probably. woke up one morning to blood soaked water so i got up and walked over to see my beautiful fish with its head cut off. more like sawed off with a soaking wet best buy gift card laying by the vase. you know how theyre kinda pointy on the edges and shaped weird. anyways, i also see my 3 year old brothers bloody dried hand prints on the table. needless to say, i have been scarred ever since and refuse to have fish."

"is it wrong to throw away a bible?"

"its gonna take skype to explain the joy in my heart"

"today, in the quad this guy was trying to sell breakfast burritos so he yelled 'EVERYBODY LOVES SAUSAGE!' in a very sexual manner"

"why dont guys understand they can only be rude if theyre hott??"

"sitting in a tattoo shop for the first time in my life"
"finally getting that tramp stamp?"

"when you meet my friends next week pretend to know nothing about them, even though ive told you all of their life stories"

"i dont think she gets my personality"
"its not that she doesnt get it. she just doesnt have one"

"wearing just one red silly band so it looks like im in the kabala. ill fit in with madonna, zac efron and britney"
"leave zac out of this"

"facebook etiquette. always adhere to it."
"yeah. if i knew what adhere meant id say more"

"i love everything taylor swift does"
"i hope she has a sex tape scandal and ruins her image"
"id watch that too"

"throwing money into the wind is claire bradleys favorite thing to do...she made me do it too in one of her foiled schemes."

"hes like one of those obnoxious guys who give the campus tours. hes freakishly obsessed with a&m. seriously, its a&m dude..."

"i just febreezed my feet"

"i was gonna say i talked to him today, but really i just stalked his profile really well this morning"

"lets become friends with someone named brooke so we can call her facebrooke"

"when you become famous and zac dumps vanessa to be with you, even if you get too cool and rich and red carpet for me, will you just promise me two things: buy me a cool christmas present every year, and name your first born child after me"

"you are the pinnacle of facebook"

"i prefer a bit of a beer belly. washboard abs: not attractive"

"you're a weird girl"

"how was your workout? did you treadmill or elliptical?"
"um, i sat by my friends treadmill and watched videos on my ipod"

"you're in my phone as ------ because thats how you are in Claires phone"
"this whole entire world revolves around Claire i think"

"do they have any nice beaches in lubbock?"
"are you trying to get on the blog?"
"i eat blogs like that for breakfast"

"my first buy on craigslist. when i meet the guy i hope i dont get raped, or worse the tickets arent real"
"i do business on there alot. i've only been kidnapped and held in a basement once. so you'll be fine"

"yeah, with a router i'll get to lay with my computer at night. not in a biblical sense"

"to the UT swimmers at the Tech rec center: i dont know why youre here, but youre hott. hope you get attacked by tech fans though"

"im sorry that was rude. but i dont know how to put it any nicer"

"you'd ditch me for him?"
"yes, hes hott"

"i said the chinese guy was the hottest on glee before they started highlighting him as a character. so dibs"

"walking in 10 inches behind someone whos smoking right now just so i can look half as cool as him. its getting awkward"

"i dont like that town. too much bbq and people that like patsy cline"

"she kept stroking my hair and calling me a virgin! she says im not a man if im a virgin. shes so weird..."

"im about to get on the bus to drive to the river. hope theyre tricking us and driving us to lubbock"

"well im not pulling for the horns tomorrow. im going with claires team"

"he probably doesnt have skype. drug dealers dont have free time"

"learned about womens rights today. is this a joke?"
"mustve been a short lesson"

"hopefully nobody attacks you in your burnt orange sleeping bag tonight"

"any song that says douche bag is a good song in my book"

"taylor on the VMAs is so boring. this song blows"
"i dont care ill buy it anyway!"

"dont call me out on what just happened"

"the situation is so wise"

"a guy that isnt a douche is like a unicorn. aka non existent"

"college opens up so many useful doors. not in an alice in wonderland way, but in a coming to Jesus way."
"actually who am i kidding its an alice in wonderland way"

"its hilar in a thats annoying kind of way"

"is it bad that i judge people for having their dog in their senior pictures?"

 "you know you dont get out much when you only recognize 3 of the top 10 songs on itunes"

"whatever, i know where you live"

"on my way. be downstairs and outside by the time i get there or im leaving."

"its really awkward to watch a boy put on chap stick. like top 5 most awkward things in life"

"saddest moment of my life: 'you play any sports in high school? maybe softball?' "

"her status says shes waiting for her sweatpants to dry so she can watch a movie. its safe to say shes let herself go"

"you scream freshman, just letting you know"

"what do you do in this game?"
"you acquire killer bunnies to obtain the magical carrot"

"when i see a slow moving elderly person it always gives me mixed emotions. sometimes i feel bad keeping my pace and walking past them and other times i feel the need to portray my youthfulness and pick up my pace to quickly go by them."

"Juniors that put up college hand signs in pictures: hope you dont get in and all these pics are embarrassing reminders" 

"looks like its gonna be one of those days where you always feel you have a booger. cool"

"but seriously , i really hope Kale never performs the song he sings on his facebook. cause ive watched it enough times to sing along. and itd be really awkward if i sang along to a song im supposed to be hearing for the first time"

"oh and i think i have a heart murmur. just throwing that out there. not really sure what a heart murmur is though..."

"Step Up 3. Worst movie ever. I didnt know if it was serious or if they were making fun of dance movies. Didnt see it in 3d but you could tell which parts were supposed to be. Let me put this into perspective: one of the 3d scenes was they were standing over some air/wind thing that blew their icees into the air towards the camera. Seriously. Their. Icees."

"I do NOT like boys that run track. Track boys = douche bags. I call them track bags. I can admire a nice triple jumper though."

"I was hanging out with him and then it hit me. I've totally stalked him on facebook before."