"hey buy me some ice cream on your way over here. my freshman 15 isnt gonna add itself"

"ive never watched the oscars without sour cream and sprite. make things happen"

"im watching benjamin button"
"just fast forward to when brads hott. when hes like 22 and theyre the same age. then just turn it off cause thats all that movie is worth"

"I can hear people in the room next to me having sex. I'm in the library"

"i was looking through the cabinets when the doctor walked in. dont even know how i played that one off"

"he knows you like him"
"yeah now he has to be all cautious and cant ride in a car alone with me or something. but maybe now we can have a torrid love affair. just kidding. kinda"

"you only snowboarded one day?"
"yeah the snow patrol didnt want me to come back after i raped the slopes"

"i was staring at your sister the other day and she started dancing in the cafeteria. she can groove like no other!"

"and all the funds raised will go to the awareness of blind cats"

"what are you doing?"
"eating a lunchable. and trying not to throw up"

"cant believe we got our farthest in nazi zombies ever tonight and then we freaking died because you started dancing"
"oh come on. it was like 3 fist pumps"

"kid next to me just googled how much sleep do i need"
"guess he didnt pay attention in middle school health class"

"i try really hard not to think about justin bieber. i know id get too obsessed and would end up hating myself for 1. being in love with a 17 year old and 2. waiting so long to admit my love that a million other girls have already called dibs"

"It's quite difficult to pay attention to what my teacher is saying when I can't stop staring at his incredible calves"

"single awareness day? ive been aware all year"
"just remember that being alone on valentines day is no different than any other day of your life"

"just because your fannypack is louis vuitton, doesn't make you any less of a loser..."

"if you cant handle the tweet, unfollow the kitchen"

"you werent allowed to use AIM?"
"probably why i never had a boyfriend in middle school"

"hes good looking. and a republican. i dont know much but i do know thats rare"

"i tend to pick up habits from the special ed kids"

"dont let me down"
"have i ever?"
"well one time you didnt straighten my hair very well...but other than that no"

"Not even 2012, paranormal activity, shooting, bomb attacks, or failing a class is more terrifying than seeing 5 missed calls from your mom. "

"i dont know what your summer plans are, but this is your official invite to go to feminist rallies with me and throw things"

"i hope your status about liking the halftime show was a joke. or were not friends"
"well...its been a good 10 years with you"

‎"It doesnt matter if you clean your fishs bowl. I never cleaned mine and he lived for 2 years. It was the dorm life that killed him. The food was terrible."

"im not sure if youve looked up cold carl on urbandictionary.com but um...do"

"one pair of underwear left. and i still have no desire to do my laundry in that freaky room downstairs"

"im not going to class. i dont know how my grades are gonna handle this cold"