"my teacher is a nazi"
"is she a nazi cause shes strict or shes a german and hates jews?"
"strict. i think shes of mexican descent..."

"my hott professor gave out his cell phone number for emergency purposes. but really he just wants me to call him"

"how was that english class you took last semester?"
"easy. i rarely went to class. did all the assignments the day they were do. got a B"
"*due ...you obviously didnt learn much"

"we were watching CSI and i said i bet the black guy did it. she called me an effing racist and left. havent talked to her since"
"so did the black guy do it?"

"your internet connection is called Jesus-Is-Lord but it has a password and it isnt open to everyone? a bit hypocritical dont you think?"

"if a guy is choosing to drink over me, then hes not worth it right?"
"depends. how hott is he? and whats his drink of choice? if its beer, get out of there"

"i know why i feel so happy: i have a twitter"

"if he has a picture album called My Truck, hes probably not dateable"

"where you been dude? i havent seen you out in a while"
"yeah i havent been going out much lately. the price of roofies is killing me"

"why are you talking to her? shes so mean"
"kill them with kindness"
"or just kill them..."

"i think my rib is piercing into my heart, so when that goes down remember i called it"

"i was watching tosh.0 in the breakroom with 3 other girls. he made a hilarious woman joke and i was the only one to laugh. that i whats wrong with our country"
"totally agree. not their fault though. girls have smaller brains"

"my pastor just commented on my status. im coming over for a lesson on how to block certain people from my facebook"

"my college is now a tobacco free campus.THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. Now where am i going to get my daily secondhand smoke intake?"

"im about to get my driving privileges stripped away faster than a stripper at happy hour"

"im in the breakroom at work. i got to put on one tree hill. but 2000 people in here are talking over it"
"change it to the history channel. Hell: The Devils Domain is on"

"i think im gonna start working on my college applications...SIKE!"
"dont bother. you wont get in with spelling like that. its PSYCH"

"you should be thankful you have a grandmother. some of us have to be our own grandmothers"

"i dont care. dont use me as an extended twitter telling me crap. unless its making fun of people i hate"
"most people refer to it as texting, but okay i can take a hint"

"mom, do you ever see me sleeping in a ball and think wow that used to be inside me"
"no"

" we were watching drake and josh and she yelled at me everytime i laughed, screaming whyd you laugh at that?? this isnt funny! this show sucks!"
"best friends are like that sometimes"

"mtv just called me. nbd."
"youre kidding!"
"i dont joke about dreams coming true"

"wanna go to church with me in the morning?"
"i was planning on sleeping in..."
"its a sermon on sex, what more could you want??"

"family that just came into the restaurant have some brats with them #itscalleddiscipline #useabelt #quithavingsex"

"i dont know if you wanna come over. netflix online streaming isnt working..."
"that slut! probably getting busy at someone elses house"

"what are you doing?"
"trying to decide between going to bed, shaving my legs or watching all the jersey shore episodes i missed"
"i was going to invite you out to dinner with me but youre clearly busy"

""this is like my third best invention yet. you know how pandora just plays music, well what if there was a channel that just played music videos?!"
"you mean MTv, BET, VH1 or CMT?""

"I hate it when I watch a show for 20 minutes before I realize it's in spanish"

"he hurt my feelings so i let my spanish version of beyonces irreplaceable mend my heart while i drove to --------- to drown my sorrows in his muscles"

"you ditched church to hang out with him? thats lust."
"its not lust if i loved him when he was fat"

"she thought we were making fun of her when you were staring at her"
"wcether she has baby or not, she deserves to be stared at if she charged us 9 dollars for bowling"

"go look what I wrote on the tv guide facebook wall"
"honestly, get a life"

"im bored. lets go plank on something"

"ive watched 93 episodes of greys anatomy this summer"
"you mean youve spent 93 hours in front a tv?"
"i mean ive spent 93 hours getting to know grey, izzie, karev and mcdreamy"

"why are parents making me go to college if we all know im just gonna be a trophy wife"

"If Lizzie McGuire and Mary Kate and Ashley could find hot Italians/hot Parisians and they were like 15 years old, I should be able to at 22"

"when people make a group called I Lost All My Numbers. Give Me Yours theyre just asking me to flip through and save numbers of people i wish i was friends with"

"for the 4th of July i said the Mexican pledge of allegiance and sang their national anthem"
"thats treason"

"when i asked to take a picture with him he said is it just so you can put your arm around me?"
"so you just froze up and giggled like a dumb little girl?"
"just because you know me better than anyone doesnt mean you can be a jerk about it"

"if you dont come over here now i will have no choice but to text you the entire screenplay of shakespeares mcbeth"

"it sucks youre so funny. i just laughed out loud at that text and the hott boys in front of me in line gave me a 'sorry youre so pathetic and laugh at dumb texts' smile"

"howd you get a job doing seafood?"
"well when he asked if i had any experience i said i used ocean spray body wash"

"wanna get raped tonight? theres a foam party downtown"

"if i take the time to read all the happy birthday comments on your facebook it means i love you"
"or youre psycho"

"you dont think hes the cutest thing youve ever seen??"
"nah, boys with blonde hair freak me out"

"i knew him as a kid but now hes really weird"
"yeah he has like a whole paragraph tattooed on his neck"

"i think the ginger sex killed some of my brain cells"

"why are you holding up a UT sign in your pictures when you go to Tarleton?"
"i think its cause ive stalked so many drunk UT kids pictures that when i got wasted it was my go-to everytime i saw a camera"

"i dont know why people in tv shows always struggle to write their wedding vows. i just plan on using ones from one tree hill."

"i like that guys voice i think"
"thats cause he does the voice for the butter commercial. and you like butter."

"my 16 year old sister got a subscription to a bridal magazine"
"thats just asking to end up alone forever"

"my biggest regret in life occurred in the 5th grade. you know those 50 state quarter collection posters? well one day i got desperate when the ice cream truck came. never seen a North Dakota since..."

"he wrote winning under his activities on facebook"
"whats his relationship status say? single i hope"

"i need a default picture with a little black baby. everyone else has one but me"
"everyones been going on mission trips. its black baby default season"

"whats she like?"
"she tagged herself in her profile picture. need i say more?"

"the vitamin shop called. they want their hormones back. i dont sext."

"we have the exact same taste in everything. except she doesnt like cheese."

"she has dumb mirror pictures. so myspace"
"at least she was smart enough to hold the camera out to the side and then edit it out"

"i didnt know you could get gift receipts"
"do you live in a hole?"
"i just never give gifts. or get any"

"i dont think id recognize him in public from facebook"
"oh yeah hes a really big guy, hard to miss!"
"youve seen him in person?"
"nope"
"so when you said hes a really huge guy, hard to miss...?"
"um pictures"

"im really getting fit this time. because i refuse to settle for marrying some guy with a redhead/fat girl fetish"

"she got me in trouble with the flight attendant for not turning off my iphone. sorry i get nervous during flights and need to listen to hillsong in case i die"

"i bet canadians just dont like redheads or something"
"who does like redheads?"

"getting in shape is hard"
"thats why ive never tried"

"i bought texas shaped cheese today. jealous?"
"no, my colorado shaped cheese is just as good"

"i just cried watching secret life of the american teenager"
"well thats embarrassing"

"MTV is on channel 34 right?"
"no its 64. youre an embarrassment to our generation."

"she has the stupidest status yet it gets so many likes?!"
"that what pisses me off about sluts. not only do they think theyre pretty but they think theyre funny too cause everyone likes all their posts. i could get that many likes if i was naked in all my pictures too."

"im really afraid our friendship will fall apart when he moves across the country"
"yeah but at least he updates his facebook often"

"he has 2000 people in his profile picture and his profile is set to private. what the heck am i supposed to do with this?!"

"wanna come over and watch damages with me?"
"doesnt that show have 2 women as the main characters?"
"um...yes"
"pass"

"shes kinda a terrible friend, never texts me back. stands me up."
"you could jump off a skyscraper. leave a suicide note dedicated to her"
"she probably wouldnt read it..."

"ive put off doing my bio paper for 3 hours by trying so desperately to find out if my bio tutor is married but he doesnt have any social networks"
"i once found my waiter from a san antonio restaurant. creep on creeping on"
"ugh hes married"
"my friend studied with a married man all last semester. hed ignore his wife's calls when they were together. dont give up. creep up the good work"

"i tear up when my nose hairs get pulled out"
"they mean that much to you?"

"do you get any benefits from working at a bowling alley?"
"3 free games a day..."
"well who needs dental?!"

"i stopped watching one tree hill once jamie got in the picture. when he started talking actually."
"friendship terminated"

"Being home from college means everyones judging you"

"why do you think i bought myself a hot new swim suit. freshman 15 aint got nothing on me."

"if i had hold music id make it the friday song. so people would just hang up and leave me alone."

"they havent played our favorite song at church since you left"
"i was hoping theyd play it today as a beautiful reuniting ballad"

"i dont know, hes really nice now. he just texted me a lovely message about missing me..."
"maybe someone stole his phone"

"Every time someone buys preparation H I picture them sitting on a bike with barbed wire all over it and I laugh in their face."

"ive been raptured. good news, theres phones in heaven"

"we really have completely different taste in movies. i just wanna watch a cute guy in a chick flick and you always want action"
"we can watch a cute guy, i just want him to die in the end..."

"Dear high school senior boys, youre not too young for me. Love me. ...I mean love, me"

"swimming is tricking your body into losing weight"
"freshman 15 aint gonna lose itself"

"just made sugar cookies, now about to make skirts. you would love my domestic-ness right now."

"if he doesnt leave me alone im gonna lock him in a red box"

"boy of my dreams just got a girlfriend, according to fb"
"well at least now there will be more pictures of him to stalk. sluts love pics with their men."

"i just rummaged the house for quarters so i could go to taco bell. summer 2011 is treating me well."

"i dont know why theyre saving money by not running the air conditioner, i thought they were saving money by not feeding me"

"things i miss since ive lost my ipod: playing tetris on the toilet"

"how was your night?"
"great, i danced with my best friends man all night. i get what i can."

"whod you vote for?"
"not the woman, thats for sure"

"my sisters friends are coming over if you wanna come kidnap me"

"thinking of you as i watch saw 4"

"did any of the senior girls tried on their dresses before they went to prom?"
"no i think they got mugged in the parking lot and had to borrow dresses from midgets or little people"

"i think id be really good at bed rest"

"why do you talk like a hoodlum on all your statuses?"
"das hao i tawk on teh internetz"
"why?!"
"duno, it maekz ppl mad"

"how're you doing since your status fail?"

"how long have yall had that huge nerf gun?"
"since we killed the kid that owned it"

"you know youre slutty if i dont feel comfortable stalking you in front of my guy friends"

"i dont know how your status got that many likes. you dont even know 38 people. you made fake profiles just to like your status"

"hes the weirdest guy ive ever met...and i made out with him"

"our towns real big in the indian history. so instead of preserving the land we just build a bunch of houses and name the roads things like broken arrow and cherokee hope"

"our toilet is a champ"

"if my life were a roller coaster itd be the mini mine ride. nothing ever happens"

"if i see one more hacked status discussing bowel movements, i will have no choice but to comment on every person i knows wall the entire chapter of Appropriate and Inappropriate Hacking from the Fb Etiquette Handbook"

"do you think its tacky to wear a fanny pack?"
"no theyre very practical. they can hold everything. your money, keys, chapstick, pride"

"i was really really excited when i saw on itunes that beyonce has a new hit single. however, i was very disappointed when the chorus lyrics were "who runs the world? girls!" beyonce, you are my role model, but this is gonna take some reevaluating of my respect for you."

"forgot to pack church clothes when i came home this weekend"
"good way to see if christians will accept you for you"

‎"you could be an emt when you grow up"
"no i dont like how high they wear their pants"

"i would have showed up in 5 seconds if you had tweeted your location. that boy of yours is hott"

"imagine this: cash in your pocket. sitting in a cool river. hott girls floating by. excluding your sister. what could be a sweeter day?"

"if you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman finding her place"

"your facebook status says you breastfed till you were 7. please tell me you were hacked."

"yeah thats super weird"
"stop saying that"
"what? weird?"
"yes. that. word."
"thats weird that you want me to stop saying weird. see what i did there?"
"oh yeah. you said weird, even after i told you to stop saying it. then you said it again."
"nothing gets past you"

"were driving through a really dangerous storm right now"
"keep my brother safe. thats all i care about."
"ill pretend not to be offended..."
"just kidding. i need you to come back too. you have my pillow."

"i just got pooped on a by a bird. i thought that only happened in movies. i thought youd want to know"
"thats one of my biggest fears. sucks to be you."

"ive been pooping in public to save money on toilet paper"
"oh the joys of living off campus"

"i just accidentally deleted our texting thread. aka 12 years worth. fml. phone frozen for a decade and i dont have those messages to look back and laugh on. and use as evidence when you said i said something i clearly didnt. and then forward them to you in a bitter i told you so."

"i wanted to write it on your wall but i felt i was clogging it up with all my tags and comments. facebook etiquette is in affect at all times. there can only be so many bff exceptions."

"theres this really good homeade muffin brand called two girls and an oven"
"what else would two girls have?"

"theres a reason hes single. he didnt let me win in bowling."

"too bad you skipped class today. we got out early."
"did hell freeze over?"
"no just kidding. were still sitting here. miserably."

"theres a new blue bell ice cream flavor!!!"
"what a beautiful day"

"how do you politely tell someone to take you off their weekly mass text of a bible verse?"
"just say: i have to pay for my texting and i dont have unlimited. can you stop sending me bible texts, the lord already gets 10%"

"your facebook is single handily setting back the feminist movement"

"how do i politely tell the girl next to me her texts are boring and id rather someone else sat by me? youd expect more drama from a pregnant girl..."
"eh just casually switch chairs. you gotta catch em at the beginning of their pregnancy when theres lots of drama and theyre telling everyone. by the time theyre showing most of the drama has subsided. havent you ever seen teen mom? geez amateur..."

"sometimes i get really judgemental and think the people that are always on facebook chat are losers and never do anything with their life"
"and then you realize youre one of those people?

"some guy just chatted you while i was logged onto your fb. sorry in advance"
"whatd he say?"
"were having a convo. you have a sex date next thursday"
"WHAT?!"
"dont worry, no strings attached"

"okay im no facebook expert but im pretty sure its not appropriate to put your mug shot as your profile picture"
"dont doubt yourself. i consider you a fb expert"
"thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me"

"i just had my bowl just had my cereal. thanks rebeccca, i didn't know what to eat, then i remembered you wonderful song and it just came to me!"

"i couldnt put up your text cause it was offensive to lunch ladies. and i love my high school lunch ladies"
"im sure most of your blog fan base is lunch ladies so your number of views would go down drastically"

"you are fearfully and wonderfully insane"

"i just learned how to use copy and paste. i just learned how to use copy and paste."

"i suspect my history prof is extra lib. he just lectured on how great women were in WWII"

"what a stupid lecture. dude just lost all his credibility"

"if women ruled the world there would be no wars. just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other"

"i think college girls are a little too old to have french braids"
"actually as i a guy i think its really cute"
"frick i gotta get me a pair of those"

"so sad elizabeth taylor died"
"yeah at least her scent will live on forever"

"you have an overdue book. and a letter for jury duty. shall i notify them that, as a library thief, you are not qualified for service?"

"goodnight"
"nevermind. she just put up new pics. no way im going to bed now"

"starting typing in google "is r" and the first suggestion was "is rebecca black a joke"… that was actually my question"

‎"that black guy in rebecca blacks videos gonna need to kill at least 15 people to get his street cred back"

"to stalk him is to love him"
"its our love language"

"ive finally figured out the twitter rage. we're all cool college kids always hanging out with people. facebook is to hard to keep up with for the social butterfly on the go (except for the expert stalker i am of course). sending in a quick tweet is so convenient."
"youre right. after we get real jobs and stuff we'll be back on facebook. we'll be that lame uncle aunt mom or dad that always comments and you wish you could delete as a friend"

"one day i will shave all my hair off in a fit of rage"

"nazi zombies isnt fun to watch. no matter how hott the boy playing is"
"not true. lemme send you some boys names to look up on facebook"

"if i ever get a boyfriend, kill me if i make a facebook album of just pictures of him"
"emphasis on IF you ever get a boyfriend"

"columbine is a terrifying name for a ski slope"
"santa fe has no class"

"woke up late. flat tire. traffic. whats the deal?!"
"adjustment bureau"

"im pretty good at twitter but i really excel on facebook"

"whats more embarrassing than falling off the ski lift? the man coming out of his hut and taking 20 minutes to explain how to get off next time"

"unfortunately he has a girlfriend"
"never stopped me before..."

"i told my mom parenting is easy when you always so no"
"grounded?"
"for a week"

"do you wanna come to my bible study tonight? its called heroic womanhood"
"no thanks. i already know how to make a sandwich."

"A rescue me tweet did nothing. Do not rely on your twitter community next time you encounter a near death experience."

"we need to raise awareness, the people of Santa Fe are not nice"
"yeah, lets send a few missionaries there or something"

"id rather do puzzles with my family"

"ive been snowboarding for 12 years and i fell off every lift today"

"humble pie doesnt taste very good, huh?"

"frat daddy in class caught me staring at him today. twice."

"what is this, carmen san diego day? where are you?"

"knowing about a date an hour in advance is not enough time to do my hair like his ex girlfriend's"

"mormons are out at this hour?"

"my phone just had a stroke. only one side of the buttons lights up and the same side of the screen is fuzzy"

"poor thing"

"for the TAKS test i had to write a story about a time i conquered a fear. since im fearless i just wrote taylor swifts fearless album lyrics on the page"

"hey buy me some ice cream on your way over here. my freshman 15 isnt gonna add itself"

"ive never watched the oscars without sour cream and sprite. make things happen"

"im watching benjamin button"
"just fast forward to when brads hott. when hes like 22 and theyre the same age. then just turn it off cause thats all that movie is worth"

"I can hear people in the room next to me having sex. I'm in the library"

"i was looking through the cabinets when the doctor walked in. dont even know how i played that one off"

"he knows you like him"
"yeah now he has to be all cautious and cant ride in a car alone with me or something. but maybe now we can have a torrid love affair. just kidding. kinda"

"you only snowboarded one day?"
"yeah the snow patrol didnt want me to come back after i raped the slopes"

"i was staring at your sister the other day and she started dancing in the cafeteria. she can groove like no other!"

"and all the funds raised will go to the awareness of blind cats"

"what are you doing?"
"eating a lunchable. and trying not to throw up"

"cant believe we got our farthest in nazi zombies ever tonight and then we freaking died because you started dancing"
"oh come on. it was like 3 fist pumps"

"kid next to me just googled how much sleep do i need"
"guess he didnt pay attention in middle school health class"

"i try really hard not to think about justin bieber. i know id get too obsessed and would end up hating myself for 1. being in love with a 17 year old and 2. waiting so long to admit my love that a million other girls have already called dibs"

"It's quite difficult to pay attention to what my teacher is saying when I can't stop staring at his incredible calves"

"single awareness day? ive been aware all year"
"just remember that being alone on valentines day is no different than any other day of your life"

"just because your fannypack is louis vuitton, doesn't make you any less of a loser..."

"if you cant handle the tweet, unfollow the kitchen"

"you werent allowed to use AIM?"
"probably why i never had a boyfriend in middle school"

"hes good looking. and a republican. i dont know much but i do know thats rare"

"i tend to pick up habits from the special ed kids"

"dont let me down"
"have i ever?"
"well one time you didnt straighten my hair very well...but other than that no"

"Not even 2012, paranormal activity, shooting, bomb attacks, or failing a class is more terrifying than seeing 5 missed calls from your mom. "

"i dont know what your summer plans are, but this is your official invite to go to feminist rallies with me and throw things"

"i hope your status about liking the halftime show was a joke. or were not friends"
"well...its been a good 10 years with you"

‎"It doesnt matter if you clean your fishs bowl. I never cleaned mine and he lived for 2 years. It was the dorm life that killed him. The food was terrible."

"im not sure if youve looked up cold carl on urbandictionary.com but um...do"

"one pair of underwear left. and i still have no desire to do my laundry in that freaky room downstairs"

"im not going to class. i dont know how my grades are gonna handle this cold"

"how do you feel about almost convincing this young impressionable freshman to skip class?"

"i love you more than my iphone"

"i used to get real nervous and clamp up"
"you mean clam up?"
"no clamp...you know like close quickly"

"you just saved yourself from a bunch of hateful wall posts"

"putting in a new toilet next week. pretty big deal around here"
"um...cool"

"we have destroyed our house. the blinds look like swiss cheese"

"you should totally get dreads!"
"nah i want a boyfriend"

"i mean bill gates is loaded. he throws money into the wind"
"um... i dont think hes ever done that"

"about to watch Black Swan. ill call you after and let you know if my puritys intact"

"my innocence is being ruined right now by talking about anime sex and pornography in my geography of popular culture class. and thats true. i have the notes"
"thats the third text this week thats had me considering a sexts from claires life blog"

"im 96% sure you just made that word up"
"it didnt show up underlined on my iphone and we all know the iphone is never wrong"

"just read every single one of his happy birthday comments. p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c."
"a-n-d-d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e"

"i have PMS and i have GPS. so im a jerk and i know where you are"

"its like the 12th longest game ive ever watched"

"how much money would someone get if they got pregnant even though they used plan B and sued"
"i dont know. im willing to find out if you are?"

"i dont mind about the unwholesome story, that no strings attached movie looks awesome"
"dont defend that crap just cause you like ashton kutcher"

"i mean the unibrow look was in about 2 years ago. now its all about the 2 separate brows, honey"

"why isnt their relationship FBO?"
"i would want to hide it too if i was dating him"

"i havent been on facebook today. my internet isnt working"
"and youre alive?!"

"how were your classes today?"
"fun. went to sight seeing and ear training where we sight sung and ear trained, then jazz band where we jazzed out"

"do you have a girl friend or a woman in your life?"
"no not enough time. im planning for the future. more specifically the year 3000"

"im glad facebook gives a glimpse of what people write on each others walls on their profile so i dont have to follow meaningless happy birthday posts"
"your wisdom is matchless"

"did you know oprah has her OWN network. Oprah Winfrey Network. her OWN network. genius woman"

"when she told me if we hadnt broken up shed have given me toms for christmas i knew id made the right choice. what kind of sick person would tease me with toms?"

"how did your lame status get more likes than when my friend posted her mother was cancer free"

"why is my address saved in your phone?"
"you facebook stalk. i really stalk."

"youre so selfish being sick when i wanna hang out"

"sorry if it creeps you out that i keep on dreaming about you. i promise your clothes are always on though"

"if i ever meet taylor swift thatll be my first question: did you sleep with john mayer?"
"yeah followed by why are you so freakishly tall and why do you have alien eyes"
"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH TALL PEOPLE?"

"i left my mac at your house. i know you usually only have your Peice of Crap PC. pun intended. so enjoy her company"
"oh yes. i see her on the couch now. we are going to have a torrid love affair tonight"

"started my year off with a one tree hill marathon. the world might tell me thats pathetic but if this is any reflection of what my year holds im freaking excited"