"ive put off doing my bio paper for 3 hours by trying so desperately to find out if my bio tutor is married but he doesnt have any social networks"
"i once found my waiter from a san antonio restaurant. creep on creeping on"
"ugh hes married"
"my friend studied with a married man all last semester. hed ignore his wife's calls when they were together. dont give up. creep up the good work"

"i tear up when my nose hairs get pulled out"
"they mean that much to you?"

"do you get any benefits from working at a bowling alley?"
"3 free games a day..."
"well who needs dental?!"

"i stopped watching one tree hill once jamie got in the picture. when he started talking actually."
"friendship terminated"

"Being home from college means everyones judging you"

"why do you think i bought myself a hot new swim suit. freshman 15 aint got nothing on me."

"if i had hold music id make it the friday song. so people would just hang up and leave me alone."

"they havent played our favorite song at church since you left"
"i was hoping theyd play it today as a beautiful reuniting ballad"

"i dont know, hes really nice now. he just texted me a lovely message about missing me..."
"maybe someone stole his phone"

"Every time someone buys preparation H I picture them sitting on a bike with barbed wire all over it and I laugh in their face."

"ive been raptured. good news, theres phones in heaven"

"we really have completely different taste in movies. i just wanna watch a cute guy in a chick flick and you always want action"
"we can watch a cute guy, i just want him to die in the end..."

"Dear high school senior boys, youre not too young for me. Love me. ...I mean love, me"

"swimming is tricking your body into losing weight"
"freshman 15 aint gonna lose itself"

"just made sugar cookies, now about to make skirts. you would love my domestic-ness right now."

"if he doesnt leave me alone im gonna lock him in a red box"

"boy of my dreams just got a girlfriend, according to fb"
"well at least now there will be more pictures of him to stalk. sluts love pics with their men."

"i just rummaged the house for quarters so i could go to taco bell. summer 2011 is treating me well."

"i dont know why theyre saving money by not running the air conditioner, i thought they were saving money by not feeding me"

"things i miss since ive lost my ipod: playing tetris on the toilet"

"how was your night?"
"great, i danced with my best friends man all night. i get what i can."

"whod you vote for?"
"not the woman, thats for sure"

"my sisters friends are coming over if you wanna come kidnap me"

"thinking of you as i watch saw 4"

"did any of the senior girls tried on their dresses before they went to prom?"
"no i think they got mugged in the parking lot and had to borrow dresses from midgets or little people"

"i think id be really good at bed rest"

"why do you talk like a hoodlum on all your statuses?"
"das hao i tawk on teh internetz"
"why?!"
"duno, it maekz ppl mad"

"how're you doing since your status fail?"

"how long have yall had that huge nerf gun?"
"since we killed the kid that owned it"

"you know youre slutty if i dont feel comfortable stalking you in front of my guy friends"

"i dont know how your status got that many likes. you dont even know 38 people. you made fake profiles just to like your status"

"hes the weirdest guy ive ever met...and i made out with him"