"i was watching tosh.0 in the breakroom with 3 other girls. he made a hilarious woman joke and i was the only one to laugh. that i whats wrong with our country"
"totally agree. not their fault though. girls have smaller brains"

"my pastor just commented on my status. im coming over for a lesson on how to block certain people from my facebook"

"my college is now a tobacco free campus.THIS IS MY NIGHTMARE. Now where am i going to get my daily secondhand smoke intake?"

"im about to get my driving privileges stripped away faster than a stripper at happy hour"

"im in the breakroom at work. i got to put on one tree hill. but 2000 people in here are talking over it"
"change it to the history channel. Hell: The Devils Domain is on"

"i think im gonna start working on my college applications...SIKE!"
"dont bother. you wont get in with spelling like that. its PSYCH"

"you should be thankful you have a grandmother. some of us have to be our own grandmothers"

"i dont care. dont use me as an extended twitter telling me crap. unless its making fun of people i hate"
"most people refer to it as texting, but okay i can take a hint"

"mom, do you ever see me sleeping in a ball and think wow that used to be inside me"
"no"

" we were watching drake and josh and she yelled at me everytime i laughed, screaming whyd you laugh at that?? this isnt funny! this show sucks!"
"best friends are like that sometimes"

"mtv just called me. nbd."
"youre kidding!"
"i dont joke about dreams coming true"

"wanna go to church with me in the morning?"
"i was planning on sleeping in..."
"its a sermon on sex, what more could you want??"

"family that just came into the restaurant have some brats with them #itscalleddiscipline #useabelt #quithavingsex"

"i dont know if you wanna come over. netflix online streaming isnt working..."
"that slut! probably getting busy at someone elses house"

"what are you doing?"
"trying to decide between going to bed, shaving my legs or watching all the jersey shore episodes i missed"
"i was going to invite you out to dinner with me but youre clearly busy"

""this is like my third best invention yet. you know how pandora just plays music, well what if there was a channel that just played music videos?!"
"you mean MTv, BET, VH1 or CMT?""

"I hate it when I watch a show for 20 minutes before I realize it's in spanish"

"he hurt my feelings so i let my spanish version of beyonces irreplaceable mend my heart while i drove to --------- to drown my sorrows in his muscles"

"you ditched church to hang out with him? thats lust."
"its not lust if i loved him when he was fat"

"she thought we were making fun of her when you were staring at her"
"wcether she has baby or not, she deserves to be stared at if she charged us 9 dollars for bowling"

"go look what I wrote on the tv guide facebook wall"
"honestly, get a life"

"im bored. lets go plank on something"

"ive watched 93 episodes of greys anatomy this summer"
"you mean youve spent 93 hours in front a tv?"
"i mean ive spent 93 hours getting to know grey, izzie, karev and mcdreamy"

"why are parents making me go to college if we all know im just gonna be a trophy wife"

"If Lizzie McGuire and Mary Kate and Ashley could find hot Italians/hot Parisians and they were like 15 years old, I should be able to at 22"

"when people make a group called I Lost All My Numbers. Give Me Yours theyre just asking me to flip through and save numbers of people i wish i was friends with"

"for the 4th of July i said the Mexican pledge of allegiance and sang their national anthem"
"thats treason"

"when i asked to take a picture with him he said is it just so you can put your arm around me?"
"so you just froze up and giggled like a dumb little girl?"
"just because you know me better than anyone doesnt mean you can be a jerk about it"

"if you dont come over here now i will have no choice but to text you the entire screenplay of shakespeares mcbeth"

"it sucks youre so funny. i just laughed out loud at that text and the hott boys in front of me in line gave me a 'sorry youre so pathetic and laugh at dumb texts' smile"

"howd you get a job doing seafood?"
"well when he asked if i had any experience i said i used ocean spray body wash"