"wanna get raped tonight? theres a foam party downtown"

"if i take the time to read all the happy birthday comments on your facebook it means i love you"
"or youre psycho"

"you dont think hes the cutest thing youve ever seen??"
"nah, boys with blonde hair freak me out"

"i knew him as a kid but now hes really weird"
"yeah he has like a whole paragraph tattooed on his neck"

"i think the ginger sex killed some of my brain cells"

"why are you holding up a UT sign in your pictures when you go to Tarleton?"
"i think its cause ive stalked so many drunk UT kids pictures that when i got wasted it was my go-to everytime i saw a camera"

"i dont know why people in tv shows always struggle to write their wedding vows. i just plan on using ones from one tree hill."

"i like that guys voice i think"
"thats cause he does the voice for the butter commercial. and you like butter."

"my 16 year old sister got a subscription to a bridal magazine"
"thats just asking to end up alone forever"

"my biggest regret in life occurred in the 5th grade. you know those 50 state quarter collection posters? well one day i got desperate when the ice cream truck came. never seen a North Dakota since..."

"he wrote winning under his activities on facebook"
"whats his relationship status say? single i hope"

"i need a default picture with a little black baby. everyone else has one but me"
"everyones been going on mission trips. its black baby default season"

"whats she like?"
"she tagged herself in her profile picture. need i say more?"

"the vitamin shop called. they want their hormones back. i dont sext."

"we have the exact same taste in everything. except she doesnt like cheese."

"she has dumb mirror pictures. so myspace"
"at least she was smart enough to hold the camera out to the side and then edit it out"

"i didnt know you could get gift receipts"
"do you live in a hole?"
"i just never give gifts. or get any"

"i dont think id recognize him in public from facebook"
"oh yeah hes a really big guy, hard to miss!"
"youve seen him in person?"
"nope"
"so when you said hes a really huge guy, hard to miss...?"
"um pictures"

"im really getting fit this time. because i refuse to settle for marrying some guy with a redhead/fat girl fetish"

"she got me in trouble with the flight attendant for not turning off my iphone. sorry i get nervous during flights and need to listen to hillsong in case i die"

"i bet canadians just dont like redheads or something"
"who does like redheads?"

"getting in shape is hard"
"thats why ive never tried"

"i bought texas shaped cheese today. jealous?"
"no, my colorado shaped cheese is just as good"

"i just cried watching secret life of the american teenager"
"well thats embarrassing"

"MTV is on channel 34 right?"
"no its 64. youre an embarrassment to our generation."

"she has the stupidest status yet it gets so many likes?!"
"that what pisses me off about sluts. not only do they think theyre pretty but they think theyre funny too cause everyone likes all their posts. i could get that many likes if i was naked in all my pictures too."

"im really afraid our friendship will fall apart when he moves across the country"
"yeah but at least he updates his facebook often"

"he has 2000 people in his profile picture and his profile is set to private. what the heck am i supposed to do with this?!"

"wanna come over and watch damages with me?"
"doesnt that show have 2 women as the main characters?"
"um...yes"
"pass"

"shes kinda a terrible friend, never texts me back. stands me up."
"you could jump off a skyscraper. leave a suicide note dedicated to her"
"she probably wouldnt read it..."