"the only thing cooler than new boobs is an iphone. and she probably has one"

"i mean its a great conversational piece if i actually cared to have a conversation with you"

"if my husband ever cheats on me will you promise to tell me?"
"sure unless hes cheating on you with me"

"glad you got yourself a personality. it was rough for a few years"

"you need a really cool job like quiznos or something"

"i saw jacob and his baby today"
"oh yeah? how are they?"
"um i dont know...i meant i saw them on facebook"

"why are you speeding? do you want a ticket?"
"im trying to beat santa to my house"

"tell me something that will cheer me up"
"black ops"

"happy birthday"
"thank you"
"common courtesy"

"on my way home and just passed a sign that said baby head cemetery"
"super weird"
"yeah i can usually use the heads..."

"yeah we dont call them old and washed up we call them senior citizens"

"did you see the hott new garbage man?"
"yes mom"

"we get it. youre cooler than anyone without an iphone"
"that is correct"

"ive been throwing up for the past 2 hours but on the bright side i have black ops"

"the movie im watching started out with a scene of a womens rights rally. i found it under the romance section but now i think its a comedy..."

"today in class i was getting my highest record in the facebook snake game. class ended but i just sat in my seat and kept playing. new class came in. finished about halfway through. didnt wanna get up cause i thought it might be rude so i just learned about child development"

"lately I've been making up my own curse words primarily because if no one actually realizes you're swearing at them they're less likely to punch you in the face"

"you only watch crime shows!"
"guilty as charged"

"hows your morning been?"
"oh just great. failed a quiz and my truck got in the parking lot"
"you win some you lose some"

"thats something college kids and 4 year olds have in common. they can wear their pajamas in public and its semi-okay"

"i wish you could see this guy behind me in class"
"is 'casual pretend to text but really take a picture of their embarrassing behavior' an option?"

"yeah thats the store i bought my santa hat at. for 15 bucks"
"was it worth it?"
"um no cause i couldnt afford to eat for like 3 days after that"

"all ive eaten today is a bag of chips and 6 blue bell popsicles. how is that impressive?"

"looked at your old pictures. boy you were fat"
"thats what happens when youre on house arrest"

"im a girl but i dont carry a purse"
"why not?! society says you can!"

"next class lets pretend to have drama. like were fighting or something"

"um i dont know about you but im in college"

"i am so bored in class right now that i just wrote out the numbers 1 to 1000"

"pathetic"

"gangsters dont fish"

"i deleted my facebook"
"you will be greatly missed by the online word (unless youre still using your myspace)"

"cut me inside out and strike me with the hammor of Thor"
"um this is literally the first time in my life that i dont know how to properly respond to a text"

"would it be rude for me to comment on someones album "youre ugly and always will be, whore" "