"how do you feel about almost convincing this young impressionable freshman to skip class?"

"i love you more than my iphone"

"i used to get real nervous and clamp up"
"you mean clam up?"
"no clamp...you know like close quickly"

"you just saved yourself from a bunch of hateful wall posts"

"putting in a new toilet next week. pretty big deal around here"
"um...cool"

"we have destroyed our house. the blinds look like swiss cheese"

"you should totally get dreads!"
"nah i want a boyfriend"

"i mean bill gates is loaded. he throws money into the wind"
"um... i dont think hes ever done that"

"about to watch Black Swan. ill call you after and let you know if my puritys intact"

"my innocence is being ruined right now by talking about anime sex and pornography in my geography of popular culture class. and thats true. i have the notes"
"thats the third text this week thats had me considering a sexts from claires life blog"

"im 96% sure you just made that word up"
"it didnt show up underlined on my iphone and we all know the iphone is never wrong"

"just read every single one of his happy birthday comments. p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c."
"a-n-d-d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e"

"i have PMS and i have GPS. so im a jerk and i know where you are"

"its like the 12th longest game ive ever watched"

"how much money would someone get if they got pregnant even though they used plan B and sued"
"i dont know. im willing to find out if you are?"

"i dont mind about the unwholesome story, that no strings attached movie looks awesome"
"dont defend that crap just cause you like ashton kutcher"

"i mean the unibrow look was in about 2 years ago. now its all about the 2 separate brows, honey"

"why isnt their relationship FBO?"
"i would want to hide it too if i was dating him"

"i havent been on facebook today. my internet isnt working"
"and youre alive?!"

"how were your classes today?"
"fun. went to sight seeing and ear training where we sight sung and ear trained, then jazz band where we jazzed out"

"do you have a girl friend or a woman in your life?"
"no not enough time. im planning for the future. more specifically the year 3000"

"im glad facebook gives a glimpse of what people write on each others walls on their profile so i dont have to follow meaningless happy birthday posts"
"your wisdom is matchless"

"did you know oprah has her OWN network. Oprah Winfrey Network. her OWN network. genius woman"

"when she told me if we hadnt broken up shed have given me toms for christmas i knew id made the right choice. what kind of sick person would tease me with toms?"

"how did your lame status get more likes than when my friend posted her mother was cancer free"

"why is my address saved in your phone?"
"you facebook stalk. i really stalk."

"youre so selfish being sick when i wanna hang out"

"sorry if it creeps you out that i keep on dreaming about you. i promise your clothes are always on though"

"if i ever meet taylor swift thatll be my first question: did you sleep with john mayer?"
"yeah followed by why are you so freakishly tall and why do you have alien eyes"
"DO YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH TALL PEOPLE?"

"i left my mac at your house. i know you usually only have your Peice of Crap PC. pun intended. so enjoy her company"
"oh yes. i see her on the couch now. we are going to have a torrid love affair tonight"

"started my year off with a one tree hill marathon. the world might tell me thats pathetic but if this is any reflection of what my year holds im freaking excited"